30 plus

 I had to cut back on my classes this week. I managed a week and a half but adding 3 classes in the midst of my mother's health issues and my landlord breathing down my neck and trying to adjust when i'm going to work it was all just overwhelming. I was keeping it together because in the back of my mind I could hear this voice say, "you chose to do this; you could have been perfectly fine where you were at." It's like I wasn't allowing myself to feel the stress that I was feeling. It all came to a head on Monday. i was out too Mexican with a friend and all I could sit there, and think was how much stuff I needed to be doing instead of spending time with my friend. I knew I had to make some changes. I knew I had to lighten my load somewhere and school was the least damaging to me. I couldn't really cut down at work because financially I wouldn't recover. I thought I was going to feel some crushing weight of disappointment but instead I feel relieved and

 Well, it seems another one has bit the dust. Bonnie got caught talking shit about the bosses and when I said something suddenly, I'm now the bad guy. It will be interesting to see if her lack of available communication has to do with what they told her to do or more to do with she got caught red handed. Either way I'm backing all the way off to save my emotional wellbeing. I'm not going to be caught into this narrative of I'm mad no i'm not oh i'm mad again. I don't play that, and I don't deserve it. I have permanent fixtures in my life that if I never made another friend again, I'd have them, and it would be okay. I hate to say it but I don't need new friends. I have so much happened in my life that I can't constantly be swirled up in drama like this. I don't have space for it. I'm not letting myself get too emotional about this. I mean christ, people walk out of my life like they walk out of the door. The fundamental problem is me

 Oh how quickly perspectives shift when someone is honest about what's truly going on. I actually feel like the fog I have been living in for the past 4 years may have some blue sky.  We failed our most recent inspection. I'm not surprised really. I did the best I could with the circumstances I had. My mother was back for an extended stay in the hospital after her blood pressure reached stroke level. The same week that I added 3 more classes to my load as my semester had a staggered start. Adding to the chaos was just my typical work week. I panicked a couple times, cried a lot and did what I could to try and veil the huge secret we have harbored. It didn't work. About half a week later I got a warning email from the property manager complete with pictures and instructions on what their expectations are and what we have to do. I basically lost my shit. When super stressful things happen, I get really still and quiet. It's basically me trying to control my urge to rage l

 My relationship with my mother is reaching new uncharted territory and I'm not even sure how to handle it. For years all we did was fight, fight bitterly and badly. It's all we knew. It was our definition and anyone and everyone had their own opinion on our relationship. I let too many voices in. At the end of the day, I wanted to love my mother without the fighting. I wanted to be there for her and laugh and enjoy our life together. Covid and DPT therapy brought that forth to me. We stopped fighting and became each other's safe space. We no longer let outside voices infiltrate us or interfere with how we are. They're irrelevant.  I've lived with my mother for 4 years now. The longest stretch of time we've lived together since I was 18. To be honest most of the time it's been great. We laugh we smoke we have fun. Here lately though it's been weighing on me. And things I'm starting to creep up. The biggest thing has been the lack of help around the h

 I'm finally going to let this all out on this blog so it's no longer festering inside of me.  The past couple weeks I've been swooped up in work drama so thick I can hardly move. For once it just came out of the blue and I didn't instigate any of it. It just seemed that my name was on the taste of everyone's tongue and quite frankly I hope it was sour and bitter. It seems that Amanda is the fake as bitch I had suspected her to be. That the reason she keeps little company has less to do with her choice and more the fact that she will stab anyone in the back. I should have saw the signs. When she called the bosses because I was 30 minutes late. When she blackmailed me into telling her I had bed bugs and then told the bosses anyway. The red flags were waving and I was just like "oh, a nice crimson color, how fancy" I always do this to myself. I always go off the deep end for people I barely know because I have a tendency to befriend broken people and I think

 If this weekend has taught me anything it's that absolutely nobody has your back at work. Everyone is out for their own gain. I don't know why i'm always so shocked when this happens. Maybe because I genuinely want to be friends with most everyone. I spent my whole life fighting and clawing my way and i'm just so tired of it now that the idea of sabotaging someone is insane to me. Thus I invest in people who aren't worth two cents. People who backstab me. Tell on me and then think I'm stupid like i'll never find out. All I know is i never want drama like I had this weekend and now that I know who the snake is, buddy, call me Neville Longbottom because I will decapitate you. I am so much a better worker than you are, I'm more versatile, consistent, I have better customer service skills than you and sure, you may have experience on me but you stick yourself to one position and never look farther ahead. You're short sighted and that's why you will