Mommy Dearest.

 My relationship with my mother is reaching new uncharted territory and I'm not even sure how to handle it. For years all we did was fight, fight bitterly and badly. It's all we knew. It was our definition and anyone and everyone had their own opinion on our relationship. I let too many voices in. At the end of the day, I wanted to love my mother without the fighting. I wanted to be there for her and laugh and enjoy our life together. Covid and DPT therapy brought that forth to me. We stopped fighting and became each other's safe space. We no longer let outside voices infiltrate us or interfere with how we are. They're irrelevant. 

I've lived with my mother for 4 years now. The longest stretch of time we've lived together since I was 18. To be honest most of the time it's been great. We laugh we smoke we have fun. Here lately though it's been weighing on me. And things I'm starting to creep up.

The biggest thing has been the lack of help around the house. She absolutely will not do anything to clean up around the house. Down to the fact she sees the cats knock over something and she just leaves it there for either me to clean up or just there in general. The house turns into a condemnable pigsty where you suddenly look around and can't believe people live like this. Nobody in my life knows just how bad it can be sometimes and i'm so tired of harboring a huge secret. It makes no sense why I have to be home in order for her to do something around the house. Maybe i'm of a different breed but I personally loved doing chores by myself. I could do them at my own pace and nobody was nagging me or telling me to do other things. I work full time, I'm in school full time. I'm away from home a lot. I don't want to spend every free moment cleaning a dirty house someone who is home all the damn time doesn't clean. My Mom's thing is she's not cleaning up after a grown up. She's no longer "mommy" which is why she doesn't clean, help me out, cook or anything at all anymore. It's actually quite immature. You're no better than the people who just toss their kids aside at 18 because they're adults. I mean yes, I am 35 but I also support myself and her. I pay over half the rent here, the utilities, I'm the taxi, shopper, grocery shopper. I take care of the cats. I basically do it all. Like some help would be fucking nice. It's never going to happen. I am tired of getting mad over the same things. This has been ongoing for 3 years now. 

Here lately it seems like my walls are caving in. I never have any type of alone time. She doesn't leave the house without me. She will not allow me to sit at my desk by myself for very long without coming out of her room to see what I'm doing. I'm basically the only person she talks to. She won't talk to any of her friends. She barely talks to her sisters, or mother, she is very isolated but almost expects me to make up her lack of social calendar by always being present and available to her. I've been in school one week and she's already remarked 3 times about how I don't pay her any attention anymore. Look woman, I am just trying to make it through the week with all I need to do. I don't have space to be your sole companion. I just don't. I'm in school and work a job with the public at the end of my day I'm really peopled out and I just want to sit, decompress and be left alone. Now, I empathize with her that she's home alot by herself while i'm busy but at the same time, that's a choice you make. She's made herself almost helpless and dependent on me for everything. 

My Aunt is having troubles with my Gramma and resenting taking care of her. She is always going on and on about how hard it is for her. Which I do not doubt, but Christ, my Gramma is more independent than my mother. I'm not saying mine is worse but all I can say is watching your parents age sucks and is rough. Yes i"m grateful I still have my Mama but dammmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmn it's exhausting.