Stormy Sea

 I'm finally going to let this all out on this blog so it's no longer festering inside of me. 

The past couple weeks I've been swooped up in work drama so thick I can hardly move. For once it just came out of the blue and I didn't instigate any of it. It just seemed that my name was on the taste of everyone's tongue and quite frankly I hope it was sour and bitter.

It seems that Amanda is the fake as bitch I had suspected her to be. That the reason she keeps little company has less to do with her choice and more the fact that she will stab anyone in the back. I should have saw the signs. When she called the bosses because I was 30 minutes late. When she blackmailed me into telling her I had bed bugs and then told the bosses anyway. The red flags were waving and I was just like "oh, a nice crimson color, how fancy"

I always do this to myself. I always go off the deep end for people I barely know because I have a tendency to befriend broken people and I think my love can fix them. Little do I ever realize that sometimes people just want to stay broken. They don't want fixing. They don't feel like things are going wrong. It's like they are searching for the next person to take advantage of.

I think of all the money I've given her just because I know she was struggling and it just makes me sick. For her to trash me like she did. Make up rumors about shit I said, and overall stir the pot is just infuriating. The fact that she does so much shit wrong and fucked up because she's on her night shift and no one knows is enraging too. I know so much on her but I'm not telling anyone because I am not bringing that negative karma onto me. No thank you. Not today. I hold strength in the fact that karma is real and not linear. It works on it's own pace and it will show it's head. I'll just have to wait. 

I'm learning to be around people I just don't like without causing a scene. I can just not like them. It actually makes me uncomfortable, and I feel like i should start a problem to justify not liking them. I don't have to. I can just be cordial and not engage in any of the drama.

The overall lesson I have deduced from this whole situation is stop giving your absolute all to people. People are like sponges and absorb everything they can but they won't ever give anything back unless you squeeze the shit out of them. IDK that made more sense in my head. But you get my drift. People are takers by nature but never get anything back. I've learned the words that I will keep with me. Not everyone deserves my love and trust. It seems small but it's pretty profound. Not everyone deserves the best version of me. I have to keep that close. 

I now know to keep my job to myself. I know that I have a target on my back and i need to keep on my toes and as long as I do my job the way Chris and Stef want me to and ask me to do. I will be okay. It doesn't matter what Amanda thinks or even Bonnie or Taylor. I have to keep my mindset focused on making sure my job is done correctly and not trying to build a family out of complete strangers.

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