I had to cut back on my classes this week. I managed a week and a half but adding 3 classes in the midst of my mother's health issues and my landlord breathing down my neck and trying to adjust when i'm going to work it was all just overwhelming. I was keeping it together because in the back of my mind I could hear this voice say, "you chose to do this; you could have been perfectly fine where you were at." It's like I wasn't allowing myself to feel the stress that I was feeling. It all came to a head on Monday. i was out too Mexican with a friend and all I could sit there, and think was how much stuff I needed to be doing instead of spending time with my friend. I knew I had to make some changes. I knew I had to lighten my load somewhere and school was the least damaging to me. I couldn't really cut down at work because financially I wouldn't recover. I thought I was going to feel some crushing weight of disappointment but instead I feel relieved and...
As I try to release the ropes my mental illness has against me I’m opening up my mind that my way of living is a root cause of my symptoms. It’s like I’m playing a game of how disgusting can I live, what are the perimeters of how much gross I’m willing to accept. Currently I’m sleeping on a bare mattress, on the floor because of a broken bed frame, that everything I have smells like piss because I have this new thing of wetting My bed. I also think I have fleas. And yet there I lay feeling my self worth plummet with every breath. I look at things and be like “normal people have nice beds” normal people aren’t swarmed with flies or have to step over animal feces to get to the bathroom. I guess recognizing that these conditions aren’t normal and aren’t okay is a huge step. Now getting over the mental block of implementing change that’s a whole other ordeal. It’s like I’m stagnant when it comes to fixing things. Like maybe it’s a deserve ploy in my head. If I fix it do I deserve it? If I ...
I'm finally going to let this all out on this blog so it's no longer festering inside of me. The past couple weeks I've been swooped up in work drama so thick I can hardly move. For once it just came out of the blue and I didn't instigate any of it. It just seemed that my name was on the taste of everyone's tongue and quite frankly I hope it was sour and bitter. It seems that Amanda is the fake as bitch I had suspected her to be. That the reason she keeps little company has less to do with her choice and more the fact that she will stab anyone in the back. I should have saw the signs. When she called the bosses because I was 30 minutes late. When she blackmailed me into telling her I had bed bugs and then told the bosses anyway. The red flags were waving and I was just like "oh, a nice crimson color, how fancy" I always do this to myself. I always go off the deep end for people I barely know because I have a tendency to befriend broken people and I think...
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