As I try to release the ropes my mental illness has against me I’m opening up my mind that my way of living is a root cause of my symptoms. It’s like I’m playing a game of how disgusting can I live, what are the perimeters of how much gross I’m willing to accept. Currently I’m sleeping on a bare mattress, on the floor because of a broken bed frame, that everything I have smells like piss because I have this new thing of wetting My bed. I also think I have fleas. And yet there I lay feeling my self worth plummet with every breath. I look at things and be like “normal people have nice beds” normal people aren’t swarmed with flies or have to step over animal feces to get to the bathroom. I guess recognizing that these conditions aren’t normal and aren’t okay is a huge step. Now getting over the mental block of implementing change that’s a whole other ordeal. It’s like I’m stagnant when it comes to fixing things. Like maybe it’s a deserve ploy in my head. If I fix it do I deserve it? If I ...
I've come back to blogging after a hiatus. I've been writing notes in my phone sometimes for therapy but the actual sit down and blog hasn't happened in some time. I haven't had access to my own computer and I find typing long things on the phone annoying. So here I am. I've been employed at the same job for over a year now. For the most part I absolutely love it. I work at a hotel in various departments. I've worked very hard to reach the level I am at. I've treated this job like I've never treated any other. I have called off one time in the entire year and that's when my Mom had a heart attack. I've been less than a half a dozen times, and only have faked sick to leave once. That's a huge step for me. And when I'm there, I WORK. I work my ass off. I don't take any short cuts, I don't skip things I have to do. I make sure I do what I have to do. I make myself always available, and am always willing to come in extra when I need...
Oh how quickly perspectives shift when someone is honest about what's truly going on. I actually feel like the fog I have been living in for the past 4 years may have some blue sky. We failed our most recent inspection. I'm not surprised really. I did the best I could with the circumstances I had. My mother was back for an extended stay in the hospital after her blood pressure reached stroke level. The same week that I added 3 more classes to my load as my semester had a staggered start. Adding to the chaos was just my typical work week. I panicked a couple times, cried a lot and did what I could to try and veil the huge secret we have harbored. It didn't work. About half a week later I got a warning email from the property manager complete with pictures and instructions on what their expectations are and what we have to do. I basically lost my shit. When super stressful things happen, I get really still and quiet. It's basically me trying to control my urge to rage l...
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