Realization.

 Oh how quickly perspectives shift when someone is honest about what's truly going on. I actually feel like the fog I have been living in for the past 4 years may have some blue sky. 

We failed our most recent inspection. I'm not surprised really. I did the best I could with the circumstances I had. My mother was back for an extended stay in the hospital after her blood pressure reached stroke level. The same week that I added 3 more classes to my load as my semester had a staggered start. Adding to the chaos was just my typical work week. I panicked a couple times, cried a lot and did what I could to try and veil the huge secret we have harbored. It didn't work. About half a week later I got a warning email from the property manager complete with pictures and instructions on what their expectations are and what we have to do. I basically lost my shit. When super stressful things happen, I get really still and quiet. It's basically me trying to control my urge to rage like a lunatic. Too many flashbacks of my mother doing that to me as a child, and now for some reason I don't understand, my mother is afraid of my blowups like she wasn't the person who consistently put her hands on me for 20 years. Anyway, that's a story for another day. I happened to catch my mother when she was really high off an edible, so she wasn't as combative, more willing to listen, and let me speak. 

I basically laid it all out. Raw and exposed. I said my usual spill, but I also brought up her defenses and shut them down. It was the clearest I had ever been. I told her that I recognized I took on an extra responsibility for school but the expectation that I am to do it all is too much and I can't and won't do it anymore. Her big question is what I do when i tell her she does nothing. I reminded her that for the past 3 years if the house was clean, it was because of me. It was because of me taking a fit and wildly cleaning like a Tasmanian devil while she sat on her phone and cheered me on but didn't do anything to help. I ended it with an ultimatum that this was the last time I was going to stress myself out and clean this house by myself. I have the money to leave, and I have places I could go. It seemed I had a breakthrough or so I thought.

I started making social plans with my friends on my off time. The buzz had worn off and she wanted to feel some type of way about me doing things. She didn't have a response to me when I said it had been 4 days since the letter and she had done absolutely nothing to help so it's not fair for me to give up a social life. She accused me of deliberately making plans every time we have an inspection. I reminded her because she doesn't help, we have an inspection every single time. She is home day in and day out and I am not. She was defensive and finally just shut down and became despondent and said I am doing the best I can, and you won't hear that. I shut my mouth and went to work. I texted her at work and asked her straight out if she was saying that she physically could not help me the way I expected. Not only that, but she was coming to the realization she can't. Part of my problem would be she would make these promises of what she was going to do and never follow through or take a week to complete a task. Now, I'm not much better at that, so it was kind of hypocritical of me but this whole time she wasn't honest, so I just kept fighting. 

Part of my delusion is that I feel if I express my feelings over and over again miraculous change will happen and that's what I kept doing. I tried every tactic in the book to get her to understand that I just can't continue like this but it obviously doesn't work because one, she is the type of woman who does not listen to a single solitary thing anyone has to say. She is convinced she is 100% correct, has the best ideas and that her issues are either none of anyone's business or not correct. I'm also insanely stubborn and reach my max capacity and I have to run my mouth. It's just something innate within me. I like to blame my bipolar for the extreme level of emotions I feel. 

So now I know the truth and it's a hard pill to swallow. It feels like an asprin got stuck in the back of my throat and is disintegrating slowly. I don't know what I expected but I wasn't prepared for my mother to age. I wasn't prepared that she would have a myriad of issues that would surface just as I'm growing my wings to fly. I feel like I am in a position where if I try and leave, she will collapse. But I can't help but wonder do I care more about her wellbeing than she does? Should I just allow her to make her own decisions for her own life and me just pick up the pieces and be available and supportive? My Aunt struggles with this with my grandmother, Do I want more for her than she wants for herself. My Mom has always had semi dependency issues and now they just seem magnified. She will wait to eat until I come home in hopes that I will make her some food. She cannot read a room and see that I am dog fucking exhausted before she asks for 750 things from me or launches into complaints of I'm not doing enough. 

I don't know how to take care of a person. I don't know how to anticipate needs or deal with someone else's feelings and emotions when it comes to care. I have this tyrannical way about me that if I'm going to care for you you're going to do it exactly my way no exception. It's the reason I won't have children because I am very aware that it isn't a healthy way to live and children don't deserve it. I don't offer grace to my mother because A-she never offered that to me, and B-I feel like she knows fucking better. But I have to think at how well I take critique on my own life. Now, I'm more apt to make different changes and I've always been someone to seek out guidance and advice before making any type of decision, but I'm not fan of opinions of what I'm doing. Because noone knows what I go through. 

I'm just exhausted. I feel forced into this situation. I can't make her want to make herself better and her lack of care is driving me crazy. I'm also sad. My mother is a shell of who she used to be both mentally and physically. It's hard. I know she didn't want to tell me she couldn't do much anymore because she's always been this strong, independent person. I can't imagine how she feels. I hope to God I just slowdown in life gradually and not have any type of physical or emotional thing just abruptly make me stop. My heart misses the person she was and will never be again. I have to retool my brain to love the person she is now, and how I can help her without me feeling run down and her feeling like i'm trying to be parental. God help us.