Emotions

So hi let’s talk about how I cried yesterday for a good 15 hours okay? OKAY.

It started with an exchange with my best friend. I’d mentioned that I was waiting on something from Etsy for several days and the mask was $17. I was making a point of how ironic it was that me being as dirt poor as I am, I don’t want to ask for a refund because I’m worried that my $17 and others is his only source of income. Me, who has no income and has to borrow money like it’s my job is worried about that? Okay. Well her reaction was to fucking lecture me about unnecessary spending and after a couple deflections and she’s still riding my ass, I’m now pissed, but as I’m trying to react to things differently other than anger, I write her a nice message acknowledging her position and feelings, trying to show empathy (which I suck at) to her position but also defending myself like, don’t lecture me. It was beautiful I was so proud. She proceeds to respond by an eye roll emoji. So now I’m upset. I explain to her how hard it was for me to not be rude and just express myself openly and honestly. She ignores me for 10 minutes and then responds with “so if I say something you don’t agree with you flip. And I wind up kissing ass like I always do and ignore the fact that she’s been a complete bitch to me, and I APOLOGIZE TO HER FOR NOT BEING CLEAR. I’m so mad at myself for that. So then we start talking about how I take things so personally, all the time. This sends me down a rabbit hole of emotions of how I feel abandoned and that nobody, not even my animals, truly love me. How my childhood and teenaged years were really traumatic. We come to a close and say goodnight. 

So I’m staying up all night because I have this new habit of pissing my bed. So I had a bunch of sugar and I  just knew it was going to be bothersome so I stayed up. Late night in the silence is when you can get your best creeping. So I’m on my Aunts page and I notice she has shared a go fund me fundraiser from my cousins classmate about getting some prestigious voice audition or something. So I click on it to read more and I look at the donations and found what I was looking for. Both my Aunt and cousin had donated to this campaign for a combined total of $50. This hit me like a ton of bricks because a couple of years ago when we were in the midst of Moms nervous breakdown, she wasn’t working and I wasn’t working full time, we had to set up go fund me two years in a row. They didn’t donate either year, her friends did, she didn’t. Ever. We were going hungry and on the verge of homelessness and nothing. So my soul was crushed at the realization that my own family would allow us to be homeless meanwhile some girl I’m sure she’s never met gets a donation. It isn’t a monetary issue either. Her and my Uncle still make the same amount of money at the same jobs in their half a million dollar house able to pay cash for their children’s education. I was and still am destroyed. This brought up flashbacks of the whole internal turmoil I have with that family. The fact that she knew I was being beat as a child and did nothing. The fact that as an adult when things were bad and my Mom was mentally abusing me as well as hitting me with a skillet or throwing shit at me, she would stay out of it or offer zero advice. How when I said on my Facebook after an exchange with my Uncle that I did not want to be the type of man he was, I got blocked from Facebook and from their lives for 6 months. How she turned me into someone to keep her sons away from. Those boys and I were close when they were children (I am 8 and 12 years older than them). And she ruined that by keeping me away from them. To this day I don’t talk to them unless I am in town. I follow them on social media but even that I didn’t get access to that until a couple years ago. We would send them presents and she would tell me thank you for them well past the age of having your Mommy relay messages to you. Also I was never invited to their graduation parties yet the cousins on my Uncles side were all there. They’ve basically been shoving it down my throat discreetly that they don’t give a fuck about me. I take family very seriously and I would do anything for my family and it obviously does not work that way.

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