30 plus

So hi let’s talk about how I cried yesterday for a good 15 hours okay? OKAY. It started with an exchange with my best friend. I’d mentioned that I was waiting on something from Etsy for several days and the mask was $17. I was making a point of how ironic it was that me being as dirt poor as I am, I don’t want to ask for a refund because I’m worried that my $17 and others is his only source of income. Me, who has no income and has to borrow money like it’s my job is worried about that? Okay. Well her reaction was to fucking lecture me about unnecessary spending and after a couple deflections and she’s still riding my ass, I’m now pissed, but as I’m trying to react to things differently other than anger, I write her a nice message acknowledging her position and feelings, trying to show empathy (which I suck at) to her position but also defending myself like, don’t lecture me. It was beautiful I was so proud. She proceeds to respond by an eye roll emoji. So now I’m upset. I explain to he...

As I try to release the ropes my mental illness has against me I’m opening up my mind that my way of living is a root cause of my symptoms. It’s like I’m playing a game of how disgusting can I live, what are the perimeters of how much gross I’m willing to accept. Currently I’m sleeping on a bare mattress, on the floor because of a broken bed frame, that everything I have smells like piss because I have this new thing of wetting My bed. I also think I have fleas. And yet there I lay feeling my self worth plummet with every breath. I look at things and be like “normal people have nice beds” normal people aren’t swarmed with flies or have to step over animal feces to get to the bathroom. I guess recognizing that these conditions aren’t normal and aren’t okay is a huge step. Now getting over the mental block of implementing change that’s a whole other ordeal. It’s like I’m stagnant when it comes to fixing things. Like maybe it’s a deserve ploy in my head. If I fix it do I deserve it? If I ...

Well hello. Here we are again, back to blogging. I suppose this is more appropriate than spilling my whole life to 300 people on Facebook but sometimes a girl needs that validation. I digress. The real reason I started this is when I am having deep thoughts or deep conversations with someone that isn’t my therapist I can jot them down. And actually have something to talk about in therapy.  Today the whole way I was driving to town this afternoon I was thinking what would happen if my Mom got murdered. What would I say? What would I do? It’s not like I have any desire for her to be murdered in fact it would devastate me to the core, it’s just shit I think about. Like something to prepared for. It’s kinda sick that the things I can prepare for I don’t, and things I can’t realistically prepare for have a 10 step “plan”  I’m wavering in and out of trying to find another job. Everytime I think of interviewing again I get a little woozy. The failed CVS adventure was enough to shatte...